Time is so irrelevant. What’s quick to the turtle is slow to the fly. I find myself thinking about time an awful lot.
5 years ago I cut ties with people, which ultimately changed my life for the better. I got stronger mentally and physically because of it, and my stress level reduced.
But thinking that would be the end of all the negative constructions in my life was wrong. I forgot there was a thing called trauma, and it would probably haunt me for the rest of my life. It’s a thing I learned with the coming of age.
At age 22, being in a ‘pause’ of your ambitions and life progress, I now more than ever have the ‘hide and seek’ feeling. It’s a strange feeling and is hard to describe, so that’s why I replace the feeling with an anecdote: Whenever I was little and I used to play hide and seek with my friends or grandparents, I had this nauseous feeling in my stomach when they were looking for me. Cramped in a corner, hearing the footsteps through the house, I always asked myself: ‘What if they don’t find me? I don’t want to lose the game, so I’ll probably have to hide out here forever. Just to win the game.’
That feeling keeps occurring now that I’m older, and I see all my old classmates getting kids, getting married or having a secure job. It’s coming close to an ‘Hey! Don’t leave me behind!’ feeling, but yet it is one I don’t want to admit to. Even if it means that eventually I will win the game, I’ll hide with my problems and medication stacks.
The sentence ‘You’re a challenge to the World’, was something my neurologist said to me yesterday. I saw her after half a year, and much had happened. In the past summer my migraines seemed to be a little monitored, and both of us had a good feeling about it. ‘It won’t be gone, but it will be manageable’. Of course meds come with side effects, and soon I got to experience the best of ‘em. Fainting and eyeballs which are rolling into my sockets, it wasn’t exactly fun. So that was Plan B which failed, and now we’re heading on Plan C. To me it only feels as yet another unsuccessful attempt at overcoming my sickness. I keep hiding until I win the game.
Also, kids, take your meds. I found out that painkillers that contain opioids need to be taken preventive. Results conclude: nausea, fever, heat and cold episodes, basically having a major flu.